For Fellow Empaths Who Can’t Say No!

I can relate. I’m an empath too.

I just recently identified why it has been soooo hard for me to JUST SAY NO! I had to write about it and share what I discovered about myself. Saying no is REALLY hard for empaths, especially if we feel that saying no will hurt someone’s feelings or damage the relationship in some way. This has been a HUGE issue for me all of my life. I would constantly find myself in relationships I didn’t want to be in because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings; in places I didn’t want to be because I didn’t want the person to feel I was trying to control what we did; Agreeing to things I didn’t have the time or desire to do because I didn’t want my friends and loved ones to feel hurt by me being selfish; Agreeing to projects and missions that consumed too much of my time because I couldn’t bare the thought of the people who would suffer if I didn’t, and on and on. If your are an empath too, what I discovered may free and empower you to say no as well. I kept journaling and lamenting over why it was soooo hard for me to say No! I went through layers of self discovery before I got down to what I really believe was the root of my problem. You may realize it’s the root of yours too once you read what I’m about to share. The more I looked inward, the more I really zeroed in on the gut wrenching, palm sweating, anxiety induced feelings I would feel in my body whenever I wanted to say no. I finally understood what I was feeling and why I was feeling it, and that delivered me, freed me from those crippling feelings. I hope you get the same freeing power from the revelation. I realized I was feeling what I imagined the other person would feel as a result of me telling them no. This may make no sense to someone who is not an empath. But, if you are an empath reading this, I’m sure an alarm just went off on the inside of you, screaming, “OMG! THAT’S IT!!!”. It’s our nature to feel what other people feel. Even worse, when not properly managed, it’s our nature to have an adverse reaction to hurting people, because we feel it too. Sometimes, we feel it even more intensely than they ever will. It’s the way we are wired. My problem was that my imagination would run wild and magnify the pain I was inflicting on other people. The dread of hurting someone, making them cry, making them sad, making them feel rejected totally shuts down and paralyzes empaths. So here is all that I discovered and the power of freedom I got from the self-discoveries.

Why Saying No Is Soooooo Hard For Us!

Saying no is REALLY hard for empaths, especially if we feel that saying no will hurt someone’s feelings or damage the relationship in some way. This has been a HUGE issue for me all of my life. I would constantly find myself in relationships I didn’t want to be in because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings; in places I didn’t want to be because I didn’t want the person to feel I was trying to control what we did; Agreeing to things I didn’t have the time or desire to do because I didn’t want my friends and loved ones to feel hurt by me being selfish; Agreeing to projects and missions that consumed too much of my time because I couldn’t bare the thought of the people who would suffer if I didn’t, and on and on.

1.) We imagine, magnify and internalize other people’s pain, well, the pain we think people will feel if we say no.

Saying no is REALLY hard for empaths, especially if we feel that saying no will hurt someone’s feelings or damage the relationship in some way. This has been a HUGE issue for me all of my life. I would constantly find myself in relationships I didn’t want to be in because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings; in places I didn’t want to be because I didn’t want the person to feel I was trying to control what we did; Agreeing to things I didn’t have the time or desire to do because I didn’t want my friends and loved ones to feel hurt by me being selfish; Agreeing to projects and missions that consumed too much of my time because I couldn’t bare the thought of the people who would suffer if I didn’t, and on and on.

2.) It’s not that we care too much about what other people think. We care too much about what other people feel.

People who were not talking empath would always try to coach me and fire me up to say no by giving me advice that didn’t apply to me. I would constantly hear, “You care too much about what people think about you!” I would hear them and would assume on some level they were right. But, it never really resonated with me because it wasn’t true. Since it really wasn’t what I was suffering from, the advice never really empowered me to say no. The advice didn’t address my true internal struggle. It wasn’t that I cared too much about what people thought about me. I struggled internally because I cared too much about how other people felt. To make matters worse, as mentioned above, I would magnify the hurt, sadness, sense of rejection that I felt I was inflicting on people. Being a person who is wired to feel what other people feel and overcome with compassion for other’s people’s feelings, trying to get me to say no was the equivalent of trying to get me to stab someone by telling me I shouldn’t care about what they think of me. It just wasn’t working. So what did work? I had to change my perspective. I had to free myself from the belief that saying no to people inflicted harm or hurt upon them So, here are the truths God revealed to me. I repeat them to myself everyday, and anytime I need to say no.

Truths That Stop The Pain and Embolden Us To Say NO!

1.) Saying no does not inflict harm on other people. This is a lie.

Saying no and receiving no is a part of life. It does not inflict harm on other people. Yes, their feelings may be hurt, or they may be sad, but, it’s not because we have harmed them. It is because sometimes feeling sad when someone doesn’t want to be with you, or do what you want to do is a normal, healthy human emotion and experience. Secondly, sometimes, outside of feeling a healthy, normal level of sadness, some people have personal issues they need to resolve that have nothing to do with us. This is why it is important for us to know and remember that…

2.) God’s Plan For EVERYONE’S Life Is Perfect.

God’s plan for another person’s life does not fall apart because I say no. God knew that both of us would cross paths with each other and that I would say no, or say that I don’t want to be in the relationship. To take action as if God didn’t make provision in their lives to account for me saying no is absurd. It’s not as if God didn’t foresee that their feelings would be hurt and forgot to make sure that they would still be ok. It’s ridiculous to act as if I have to sacrifice my life, the desires of my heart, the plan that God has for me in order to make sure the other person will be ok. God is the only sacrifice that is effective. Which brings me to my next revelation…

3.)We Are Not God

I never realized it, but, what I thought to be acts of empathy, compassion and care were really failed attempts of acting as God. Let me explain. God has a plan for not only my life, but everyone else life as well. God’s plan did not forget to account for me telling the person “No”. It is ungodly for me to abandon the desires of my heart, the plan that God has for my life, the peace he has given me, in order to sacrifice myself to shield someone else from hurt. To move this way is to imply that I have to take care of the person because I don’t trust God to take care of their hearts. To sacrifice the vision God has given me for who I am supposed to be with, what I am supposed to invest my time in, is to ultimately say, “God, I know this may not be the the person I’m supposed to be with. However, I have to sacrifice your plan for me to save them because if I don’t, you will just let them be hurt.” It is to say, “God, I really don’t have peace about committing to this, but, I have to abandon the work you assigned me to do, because if I don’t you will just let these people suffer and/or fail.” Stating it like this packs a gut punch, but, it’s the truth of what’s really going on at the root. I heard Bill Johnson say that “Humanity without God in the center in demonic.” I heard that and God expounded on it and gave me even more. He revealed to me that “Compassion and consideration for others without God in the center leads to demonic compromise.” Why do I call it demonic compromise? Because to try to accommodate people, apart from the fact that God’s plan for them does not include or require my sacrifice, results in me aborting my God given purpose. It results in me turning my back on God’s plan for my life in order to try and protect someone else from feeling hurt or rejected. God’s plan is perfect. It’s perfect not just for my life, but, for the other person’s as well. It is not my job to step outside of my plan, and try to be the God of someone else healing process, growth process and emotions. It is my job to mind my business and stay true to the assignment God has given me. It is my job to trust that in the moments I am required to say no, God’s perfect plan has already taken care of me and the person I am saying no to. It’s easy for empaths to slip into a God, or, Savior complex masked as compassion and empathy.

Their growth and life journey is not my responsibility

Being on the receiving end of No is a life experience. It is not evil. It is a necessity in order for us all to stay the course assigned to us. We all have rejection issues that may at times cause us to process the word No in a distorted, unhealthy way. We all have a perspective or two that causes us to internalize the word no in a way that causes hurtful emotions. The growth and healing process necessary to process no and rejection in a healthy way, is a process every human must go through. To try to shield someone from the growth process on the other end of your “no” is not healthy for you or them.

God’s word will never change

If God says the person is not for you, they are not for you. Your free will to be with the person does not change the fact that they are not a good fit for you. Your assignment is your assignment. Your free will to be distracted does not change the fact that your assignment is still waiting for you.